The 21st of November... The date which I despise... that I want to forget... when my youth was stolen... no more... Good riddance...

In a sudden outburst of emotions, my sorrow turned to hate mixed with anger, almost at the point of rage… Spoken with the one who took my temporary utopia... Everything went in shambles as a simple conversation turned into a verbal war... throwing blames upon each other… Why cant you accept the fact that you were the one who wanted all of this?!... You were so busy with yourself that you never knew that what you’re doing is destroying a not so good relationship... Now after what you’ve said that you fell out of love, how can you tell me that this thing is going to work?... I tried to make it work, but you were so heartless, you shoved me off, you pushed me too far, until I drifted away… passed over… I don’t want to spend my time begging for you to love me again… time spent… I moved on…Don’t you dare tell me that I didn’t forewarn you that this will happen, or you were just too busy to listen... My heart weeps for us, its weeping blood and tears that sting to the point of wanting to stop, this twisted fate that you’ve placed us upon ruined all our dreams, all our plans… Now, before you question me and start pointing your finger at me, why don’t you try and look at yourself… I know all my faults and my mistakes, and I admit, I made a lot… just for once look at your shortcomings and then tell me if you’re perfect…now I’ve decided to give you what you’ve been asking for… you said you wanted time away from me… now you have all the time in the world… It humors me but it is a fact… all I asked for, all I wanted was your time, all I wanted was to be with you… You disappoint me…

And as I look out the window, the sky started weeping its lonesome tears for me…

I wish you could feel the pain that I’m experiencing… Although my words describe my agony, you can never tell the true feeling deep within… I live, I go out, I show joy, happiness, and laughter, but little do you know about the shattering pain beneath the façade of my innocent smile, did you ever stop to ask about how I really am, I guess not… I think I shouldn’t point my finger at anyone, yes, I know it’s my fault… I lied to most of the people that I've met… I've only shown the cheerful person that I am, but kept my true feelings deep within… but now it silently consumes me… the cheerful man that I was, now turned into a man who enjoys being in the dark depths of sorrow… I’ll ask you, have you ever felt happiness in sorrow?...

“Trials give you strength; sorrow gives you understanding and wisdom…”

Just like everyone, I fear that I am ordinary... drifting far away, each passing day, and in sorrow I lie and eventually will die… Whatever I’ve said and done must have gone and died on the day the great lovers parted ways… Now, my body is so tired, but still, sleep doesn’t come, and to my lonely heart… When will it be at peace?... There are things in life I cannot live without, and now, I want you to know… I need you… Alone, I’ll live my life, looking back at the past, but never to linger… just being haunted… I know it’s too late to turn back, because things changed, and are still changing… but if I should die right now, I know that this fool, who loved you, will stay… still with you…
Tell me, am I still the man I’m supposed to be? … The pain and change is something that I can never deny, but I know, I am still the man you’ve known erstwhile…
Once, upon a time in this life…
I met you…
I fell in love…
But in the end I lost…
Now, there are no more reasons beyond my hopes…

Why does erstwhile haunt me? I’m trying to use my whole life force just to forget it, but still, it follows me, and torments me with its infernal howls… What do you want from me? Why not leave me be? All I wanted was to be elated, all I want is tranquility… Still, it clings on my back, and no matter how much I struggle to get it out of my head, the deeper it seem to sink within… It gives me the feeling as if I'm withering slowly, and with all my effort to regain vitality, it gradually drags me down... with much agony… How can I stop this pain?... some way to pacify this…
How will I overcome such a harsh and life draining emotional state? I guess I’m weak, and too afraid… Father Time, why smite me with so much fury and wrath? What did I do to receive such fate? Why damn me to this severity?…

--------------"... why start now, when its already over..."

Speak to me in a language that I can hear, and humor me before I go... Deep in my thought I've forgiven everyone, and now I know that the cluttered streets will greet me once again... I know, I can't be late... So I pull my collar up and face the cold... on my own... as the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet and at the blasphemy in my old jangly walk... I guess I have to ask the steeple to guide me to my heart and to my home... Earlier the sun was out and up but now it has gone... so soon... but still I know I have to make it... I want love to last forever... For a moment I thought I lost myself as I was wrapped up in the pleasures of this world, journeyed here and there and then I went back again, but in the same old haunts I still find...

Maybe mysteries are not yet ready to reveal... but now I can say I'm ready to return and give my best for love to last forever... because tomorrow is just an excuse away... and I know we can make it last forever... You and I can make it last... forever you...




"33"

I had this conversation with a special friend of mine, and that lifted my spirit…I said to myself… yes, life is harsh, but even though, there are some things in life that is worth all the trouble, some people who are worthwhile and extremely praiseworthy…
Gratified was I to have conversed with my friend... Our duologue was about some of the things that we’ve done erstwhile and some in the nonce… The best thing about that was when I expressed mirth… after sometime in solitude and silence, I never thought how smashing it was to feel great about something erstwhile… I would love to share the story but I guess I’ll just keep it to myself, not because I’m being selfish, but because I just want that memory to stay as it was, perfect, happy… inculpability…

… when on my lonesome and I start to ponder on things that’s about to happen in my life, a new level or some call it a new page of life… I get this great feeling of fear… you see, a major change in my life can be catastrophic to my way of thinking… just like before, everything used to be so light and cheerful, but in a major twist of events, my life got clouded with ever darkened gloom and immense remorse… Just when I thought that my life would be easier and thought that I overcame the grief that was present within me, I was wrong… but in some strange and ineffable way, it in a way humors me…the deep feeling of sorrow made me realize all that is given by the world but we often took for granted… I don’t exist for myself, I exist for others… I realized that building my life around myself is completely an indecorous behavior… I use to look at life only from my point of view, I only wanted things that will make me happy and will please me, I never considered other things in life that was right there between my eyes… all I have felt was happiness, never thought of dealing with my problems with some seriousness… all was like a joke, I made fun of the notion that I am going to be serious… but at this point, I am… Some people say that I am now anti-social or I got even more boring as how I was before, but to tell you something, I’m just enjoying my life wallowing in this dark and gloomy state of immeasurable solace… comfort in disappointment or misery…

"... believe, I never wanted this... I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises... I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about... But I let the dream go, and the promises broke the make believe ran out...
... everytime I try to pick it up like falling sand, as fast as I pick it up it runs away from my clutching hands, but there's nothing else I can really do, there's nothing else I can really do, there's nothing else I can really do at all..."

Life’s riveting reality… It is true that there’s nothing permanent in this domain of obscure anomalies, pain, and deceit… all that is constant is change…Hence, to dwell in the past is a ridiculous anserine behavior, because we can never undo what’s been done, the only thing we can do is to learn from it and make the best of what’s to come…

Looking back at all the things, all the deeds, and all the moments in my pathetic existence… I saw her… so sweet and so precious… so innocent and loving… my offspring, my child… Her pure and innocent smile burns within my thoughts, her gentle embrace and sweet loving kisses warms even my now frigid heart… this I know, is love… I love her more than anything else in this cosmos, a million times more… I love her more than my life, my life which I wanted to take because of my fear of loneliness, in some way because of my selfishness… but now I know I’m not alone anymore, because whatever the situation maybe, and through all the hindrances that the world might put up… she will love me infinitely, so will I… I love her so much and I know she loves me back… I’ll protect my daughter from any harm or any danger… I’d risk it all for her, I would give up my life for her if I have to, I will fight for her until my very last breath… till the last drop of my blood… that’s how much I love her… She is my angel, my princess; she is my world, she is my life… Although now we’re far apart, I swear to do my best to bring us closer again… Miles may stand between but that wont separate our hearts… I know deep inside my heart that she misses me… because I miss her so much… I love you my sweet Darla...

To my dearest Darla,

...............I want you to know that daddy loves you so much… and daddy misses you a lot… I wish we could be together and do those things that we use to do… all those fun and happy moments we shared… I somehow feel that we’ve grown together… I learned a lot from you, and I hope you learned something from me also… you taught me how to love and how to care… you taught me how to enjoy the simple things in life… we use to walk side by side, hand in hand… I can’t express that feeling in words… extreme felicity, blissful utopian blitheness, call it perfect, happiest moment or call it whatever… I miss you a lot, I have a hundred words or even more to tell you, to let you know how much I love you… but those words can’t compare to the simple action of a warm loving embrace of a father to his child… I miss you so much and I love you more… I’ll be seeing you…

.....................................................................Love,
......................................................................Dad

How will I describe this emotional state that I’m in at this point of my life…?
I feel as if I’m in this void of complete emptiness and it is slowly killing my sense of being...
Alone, in this deep and dark crevice inside my mind, I struggled so much to fathom what’s within, but as I exerted more to decipher what’s hidden in this fissure, I lost my self…I was damned… now I am in need of a hand that will guide me, help me out and show me the passage that will lead me out of this endless feeling of misery and solitude, so that I can live again… in color… in light…
How stupid it is to feel this way... I feel so helpless… so helpless and in shame… in shame that I want to let it all go… let it all go and leave everything else behind…
For sometime now I was thinking of taking my own life but it seems there’s something or someone within me that’s telling me that there’s still hope and there’s still life outside this realm of complete hollowness and despair… I had a couple of mishaps before that almost took my life, and I also tried to take my own life a few more, but I don’t know the reason why I still live… is this a nasty prank or some kind of a sick joke from an old disturbing and demented God?.. Oh how I wish he’d spare me all this agony and silence me completely… I don’t know if I’ll last for long… I often tell my cohorts that “I’m hanging by a thread and I’m about to let go… at any moment…” you see I’m in my dire straits… and I shout out to myself… “Get a grip on your life artificer… it is not the end…” then I’ll wake up from this temporary state of tranquility and again face the horror of the real world…
I know God despises me because of this… my life of sin… I wanted to please everyone, I wanted to make them happy and in the process of doing so, I brought my soul closer to the flames of eternal suffering… to hell… I guess it is true that the soul controls the mind… my experiences taught me that while you live your life in sin and evil ways, you lose something in return… I guess sin and evil ways shrinks your world into a tight casket and suffocates you as it grows smaller and smaller… freedom my friend, is what you lose… that’s what was given to us and that’s what we should have… I tried many ways to gain temporary freedom, but at the end of the day, before I shut my eyes, I think of how ephemeral that freedom was… I want freedom that is in eradicable, no limits, no boundaries, just freedom… it’s in a way moronic to even think about this things and to question so much about life, death, freedom ,and faith but it has been bothering me for quite some time now and I cant help not to think of those … things… things that can alter the way one thinks... that alters the whole being… it is stated that knowledge is the greatest enemy of faith… now I guess I’ve proven that to myself… how’s my faith this days, you ask?... I still visit his house once in a while, I still talk to him, but I don’t pray like how the common people do… like what was taught to them… I talk to him as if he’s my equal… I tell him things that I like and I dislike, I tell him things straight from my heart… and by doing so I am confident of saying that I still have faith in him because I know he has a plan for me even though he’s giving me a very hard route to cross, a very high wall to traverse, a very painful and difficult challenge… in a way these challenges makes me stronger… although it is hard to do and harder to comprehend… I guess I have to… or else choose to relieve myself of it… and again attempt to take my own life… a sweet tragedy for a forsaken son who lived in sheer melancholy, and endured so much agony… freedom from this eternal bondage called life… that’s all I ask for…

... delusional... I believe I can cure it all for you dear... coax, or trick, or drive, or drag the demons from you... make it right for you... truly thought I can magically heal you...
drunk on ego... truly thought I could make it right if I kissed you one more time to help you face the nightmare but you're far too poisoned for me, I'm such a fool to think that I can wake you from your slumber, and that I could actually heal you... sleeping beauty poisoned and hopeless, you're far beyond a visible sign of your awakening and I'm failing miserably to find a way to comfort you... you're hiding from some poisoned memory... so poisoned and hopeless... my sleeping beauty...
*a perfect circle

Am I a failure?... Am I not good enough for the world... for God?... Why do I have these tough challenges?... Why am I having a hard time facing them?... Is it because I am weak?... I envy others who seem to have a pretty normal life… unlike mine… my life is a chaotic circus of emotions, one minute you’re elated, the next thing you know you’re in a deep state of pensiveness… Why am I here?... Why am I being forsaken?... What is the purpose of my existence?… Now I question you… God

… my heart is yearning for the feeling of being adored and that yearning silently consumes my emotional state of happiness… eudemonia… just to be supervened upon by the emotional state of emptiness, loneliness, and elicit gloom… how long must I hold back for the right time that I can give my heart again once more?... to open it up to that someone who’ll take me as I am, to that someone who’ll pacify this hunger for love, to that someone who’ll silence the whining little child within me who’s crying out for someone to take notice that I am in need of somebody to love and somebody who’ll love me back… is this madness?... I hope not… is this love?... I don’t know… can anyone tell me what this is?... does anybody care?... as for the moment I succumb to melancholy...

tis funny how the world works... yesterday i woke up feeling light headed and all so great but as the day ended i felt otherly different from how i've been the whole day.. sometimes i feel like im being challenged too much by who ever is that who's controlling the path of my life...

Joyous was I when I awaken… “Everlong” a piece by the foo fighters was playing… everything’s fine…

"And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever? If anything could ever be this good again? The only thing I'll ever ask of you, You've got to promise not to stop when I say when..."

I'm fine...

... As I end my lament for what’s been vexing me erstwhile, I now set forth to confront my new life, a new inception... I’m not certain what I’ll fall upon, what’s left for me, or what’s the domain to render, but I’ve decided to accept the challenge and pursue felicity which has been long gone from my existence...

What’s wrong with me today? Last night I slept early... I went into a deep state of slumber… I feel like my dream or my nightmare has something to do with this…this madness…but the problem is I can’t remember that woolgather… if I had one, that is... I felt very strange when I woke up... I don’t know if I’m sick or just plain gloomy... I can’t think straight... I feel so uninspired... I’m afraid… I’m afraid that if I stay like this I’ll drive my self insane… I feel so empty… so alone… but I have so much fervor that’s trapped within me, and this strange feeling… this odd day… is holding me back for some reason… unintelligible… yes…

Sometimes I feel like my whole life is a joke…
God forsaken?... maybe…






Listening to Sean Lennon’s song “into the sun”…

And when the day is done
I will follow you into the sun
And after all my love
I will follow you into the sun

All the tears you cry
Will one day be dry
And like birds we’ll fly
Up into the sky
Our love will survive

And when the day is done
I will follow you into the sun
And after all my love
I will follow you into the sun

All these days gone by
Just like waves roll by
I can’t wait to hold
You inside my arms
Our love will survive

And when the day is done
I will follow you into the sun
And after all my love
I will follow you into the sun..

What it is to die?... I’ve been blurting out questions about life and I didn’t even think about death… how does it feel to die?... what’s on your mind when you’re about to die?... is there something… some place after you die?... life can be easily observed because one can tell what it is through experiences… but talking about death… there are only a few cases that a person could go back to tell what it is to be dead or something…but still its not like really dying… near death experiences although it is close to the subject of being dead, cannot give sufficient information about death… I had many accidents that almost… “almost”… gave me the answer to that question… but I guess it wasn’t my time to find that out yet… now I’ll just have to wait for that moment for me to know the answer to that question… friends, I’ll just tell you when I get there… What it is to die?...

In each day that passes, I feel like I’m losing something… slowly… silently… I crawl towards the end... I fear that one day I’ll just fall off and find myself dead… lifeless… morbid, it is… I know…
I am Goth…

Conversation of minds...

@: Can I ask you something serious?

#: Sure...

@: What are you scared of? I mean, whenever you get serious and whenever you seem to start to open up you immediately back off...

#: I’m scared of sharing my feelings deep inside... I’m scared of getting hurt…

@: You're scared of getting hurt that's why you choose to shut everyone out?

#: Im not shutting everyone out.. I guess... its just, sometimes I dont know if I'm expressing the right emotion...

@: I understand...

#: You see, underneath this outer layer of happiness and endless joy, is a scared little boy who's longing for something, but too afraid to ask...

@: The only way you can find the answer is by asking, doesn't have to be now or tomorrow... it’s all up to you…

#: I need to learn how to do that...

#: You know something that I don’t want?...

@: What is it?...

#: I dont want to live my life in the shadow of lies...

@: Do you want to know what I think?...

#: What?...

@: We’re not sure about anything in this lifetime or the next, the things that we want to happen… they won't happen if we don't try. Pretending just makes things harder to deal with because you need to live up to those pretensions, like what you said "be/live free”, I prefer to see it as "living by the moment”, but the thing is, this living by the moment doesn’t happen easily...its something you learn and grow accustomed to, until such time that its the air you breathe, but before you get to that state, you need enough courage and trust… courage that whatever happens, no matter what the outcome is, you'll survive, you'll live... trust in yourself, that you're capable of doing it… trust in others, that whether they hurt you or not in the process, you know that you gave your best... and if things dont work out... you know that you'll still meet someone better along the way…


* strong moving technical stuff courtesy of a very special friend...

photo courtesy of a friend..

you know who you are…

i was surfing the web earlier... since i have nothing better to do... i looked up the definition of life... i found some from msn encarta... its kinda cool so i posted it here…

life:
1. existence in physical world: the quality that makes living animals and plants different from dead organisms and inorganic matter. its functions include the ability to take in food, adapt to the environment, grow, and reproduce.

2. living individual: a living being, especially a person, often used when referring to the number of people killed in an accident or a war ( usually used in the plural ).

3. living things considered together: a group of living things, usually of a particular kind.

4. whole time somebody is alive: the entire period during which somebody is, has been, or will yet be alive.

5. time when something functions: the period during which something continues to function.

6. part of somebody's life: a particular aspect of somebody's life.

7. human activity: human existence or activity in general.

8. way in which somebody lives: the character or conditions of somebody's existence.

9. characteristic way of living: a way of living that is characteristic of a particular place or group.

10. vitality: animation and vitality, or something that produces animation or vitality.

11. chance in game playing: in various games, a chance to be unsuccessful without being put out of a game ( usually plural ).

*bring somebody or something to life:
1. to make somebody or something live.
2. to make somebody or something more lively or excited.
*come to life:
1. to begin to be interesting, lively, or exciting.
*get a life:
1. to do something to improve your situation or change your lifestyle for the better.
*take somebody's or your life:
1. to kill somebody or yourself.

i didn’t include some of the definitions that are not really that important.. there are so many definitions given but still there are so many questions... though i found out the definition of life... i’m still searching meaning of it…

I can still remember…

Those lazy afternoon drive in Los Baňos…

Everything seem so perfect…

Everything so right…

I wish I could go back to that time…

Do you still remember?.. I guess not..

We were young, and in love..

I can still remember the smile on your face.. you were so happy.. I was happy..

Not a care in the world.. just.. us..

But I know I shouldn’t live in the past.. so whenever I remember those afternoon drive...

I’ll put a smile on my face..

and think about you..

I miss you..

i wasn’t able to sleep last night.. i don’t know.. maybe i’ve been thinking too much.. one of the things that was in my mind was how people see me.. some people see me as someone who doesn’t really care about what’s going on around.. a happy go lucky jolly person.. some see me as a loner, always walking alone just greeting the people i know.. its really funny how they react when they get to talk to me.. even though im a little crazy and obnoxious in some way.. i am still like every normal human being.. its just sometimes i show people what they want to see but deep inside i am very much aware and watchful of the occurrences around me.. it seems like i want people to underestimate me and let them find out what and who i really am.. but sometimes its too troublesome.. especially when i feel like i cant do anything about what others think.. some tend to close their minds so its really hard for me to show them the real me, whats in my mind and how i feel.. now i’ll ask you how do you see me?..

two months of fun, two years of pain.. add it up, and get a life of rain.. need to scream, but too ashamed.. it's gonna, rain it's gonna rain.. You wanna go, you wanna stay, you wanna.. you really blew my world, i wanna live and there's only one way.. i don't wanna die anymore, i want to live it up.. i don't want this high anymore, but i can't give it up.. i won't live a lie anymore, i need to give you up.. won't you save me?.. two months of sun, a life of rain.. add it up, i'm on my own again.. need to scream, i'm so filled with rage.. it's gonna rain, it's gonna rain.. you wanna go, you wanna stay, you wanna.. you really screwed my world, i gotta live but you stand in the way.. i'm pullin out now.. i don't wanna die anymore, i want to live it up.. i don't want this high anymore, but i can't give it up.. i won't live a lie anymore, i need to give you up.. you got me really going out of my mind.. and baby, did you think that i was strong? well, honey can't you see that you were wrong? oh, baby did you think that i was strong?
-i dont want to die anymore by the new radicals-
..last night i was thinking of taking my life.. i was saved…

love versus flowers

a love that is real...
a love that is true...
it can humor me...
it can humor you...
from a seed it started...
if it withers, we'll be parted...
a flower represents love...
still.. love isn't a flower...

-Carlo De Guzman Biana

need I say more?..

“Since all living things die in the end, while I'm in this world I'll enjoy myself…”
- otomo no tabito

can anyone tell me how life is supposed to be..? i mean i’ve been in this world, in this harsh place, living a very painful life, trying to live right, defining the meaning, the purpose of my existence for twenty six agonizing years... i need someone who can enlighten me, someone who wouldn’t judge me by the things i do, someone who cares and understands me… i guess the "understands me" part is a little tough… but it’s a challenge… sometimes i get so lonely… i don’t know… is it wrong to feel this way..?
even a worthless imbecile like me needs someone to share something with… i guess only time has feelings for someone like me… am i doomed to be like this for the rest of my days? i knew how to love before, but that love kinda destroyed something within me… i was hurt… big time… i never knew that it’ll hurt so much that i forgot about how it goes… before i get so crappy and emotional on the subject i guess i’ll stop… life and love… what it is about?...

Please read this...
i don’t wanna talk to you anymore! i’m afraid of what i might say! i bite my tongue every time you come around! cause blood in my mouth beats blood off the ground!..
hand over my heart, i swear, i’ve tried everything i could within all my power, 2 weeks and 1 hour, i slaved and now i’ve got nothing to show, oh if only you’ve grown taller than a brick wall, from now on, gonna start holding my breath when you come around and you flex that fake grin, cause something inside me has said more than twice, that breathing this air beats breathing you at all!..
i don’t wanna talk to you anymore! i’m afraid of what i might say! i bite my tongue every time you come around! cause blood in my mouth beats blood off the ground!..
hand over my mouth, i’m earning the right to my silence, in quiet discerning between ego and timing, good judgment is once again proving to me, that it’s still worth its weight in gold, from now on i’m gonna be so much more weary, when you start to speak and my warm blood starts to boil, seeing you is like pulling teeth, and hearing your voice is like chewing tin foil!..
i don’t wanna talk to you anymore! i’m afraid of what i might say! i bite my tongue every time you come around! cause blood in my mouth beats blood off the ground!..
i’m fast to a better judgment, by saying less todayI will gain more, gain more, no tears to you my, my fickle friend,you..you brought the art of silent war!..
i don’t wanna talk to you anymore! i’m afraid of what i might say! i bite my tongue every time you come around! cause blood in my mouth beats blood off the ground!.. -Blood on the ground by Incubus-
how it hurts not to be loved, to be ignored, and to be passed over.. thats the pain that cuts deep inside.. the pain that places hate which turns to anger then turns to rage.. i felt all of these.. i was badly wounded.. but time heals all wounds.. i really hate the past..

sigh... you know, sometimes its hard to think of something when your thinking of too many things.. i was thinking a while ago about things that i've done in the past, and i couldn't really think of that thing that i wanted to think about.. this thing that i wanted to think about is, i guess, already out of my thoughts.. because all the things that i've thought about are starting to fade.. do you think that thoughts of things in your thoughts fade away?.. i heard this song by pearl jam which ends with the phrase "hearts and thoughts they fade.. fade away..." its somehow confusing.. but i guess it is true.. oh.. what a gloomy night.. so silent.. so sad.. what to say.. what to say?.. clink! goes the lid of my zippo lighter.. sscrreesshh.. goes the roller to the flint.. i light one up.. and i ponder over nothingness.. sigh..

i really like the band "the new radicals" i hope you're familiar with them.. i think mandy moore made a cover of their song "someday we'll know".. anyway.. you see their music sounds good, great vocals, nice tunes, and a catchy beat.. but the problem is the words.. its about drugs, drug use, or comparing love with drugs.. i like their song "i hope i didnt just give away the ending" its so.. i dont know.. i just like it a lot.. the words go like..
"She wanted to be a nun until that fateful day we met, I beat the crucifix in a game of russian roulette, I burned my Beatles records because she hated number nine, She licked rock cocaine suckers laughed, said her moms doing mine.. well, are you an illusion? or am I just getting stoned? Because I can't take it alone.. I can't take it alone.. I hope I didn't just give away the ending.. We started limping, Caught the handicap shuttle to town, And yelled "God's healed us" as we ran off the bus the driver just frowned, By the way this girl was sexy and she wouldn't touch you, That may not be true, But I said it so you'd feel involved with this song! Are you an illusion? Or am I just getting stoned? Because I can't take it alone.. I can't take it alone.. I hope I didn't just give away the ending.. We caught a fey taxi driver I smiled the ride was free, I felt like Amsterdam, She wanted more drugs and maybe me, I told her dealer I was broke, He hired a camera man, We did a porno film for coke, I hear I'm big in Japan.. Are you an illusion? Or am I just getting stoned? Because I can't take it alone.. I can't take it alone.. I hope I didn't just give away the ending.. We went back to her kitchen, Put the coke all in a can, Tied up a T.V minister, In walked her dad, He started drinking coffee, Too much sugar on the go, He fell dead on the floor, He thought the coke was sweet'n'low.. well are you an illusion? Or am I just getting stoned? Because I can't take it alone.. I can't take it alone.. I hope I didn't just give away the ending.. Boy was she upset, but then she stole her dad's wallet and I drove him to the hospital to sell all of his donatable body parts, And this is where she dies, they brought the depressed junkie in, She shot his Cyanide up, I guess she thought it was errol flynn.. I'm blamed in the confusion.. The police being phoned.. I don't even love you!.. We weren't even friends!.. It's just that I can't take it alone.. Uh, huh I can't take it alone.. I hope I didn't just give away the ending.. Oh god.. Ah shit.. I think I just gave away the ending..."

ladies and gentlemen.. boys and girls.. i would like you to meet my ukelele.. i learned how to play the ukelele a couple of years ago.. i really like how it sounds.. i can play lots of tunes.. lots of songs.. it also has the chords same as the guitar chords A,B,C,D,E,F,G, the augs, the minors, and the sharps, but the finger placing are different.. my favorite song to play is the song "soon forget" by Pearl Jam.. it goes like..
"Sorry is the fool who trades his soul for a corvette. Thinks he'll get the girl he'll only get the mechanic. What's missing' he's living a day he'll soon forget. That's one more time around. The sun is going down. The moon is out but he's drunk and shouting. Putting people down. He's pissing. He's living a day he'll soon forget. Counts his money every morning. The only thing that keeps him horny. Locked in a giant house that's alarming. The townsfolk they all laugh. Sorry is the fool who trades his love for hi-rise rent. Seem the more you make equals the loneliness you get. And it's fitting. He's barley living a day he'll soon forget. That's one more time around and there is not a sound. He's lying dead clutching benjamins. Never put the money down. He's stiffening. We're all whistling a man we'll soon forget.."

dont know what time it is.. dont really give a damn.. my mind wants to rest, but my body disagrees with the idea... im really having a hard time sleeping.. especially without the influence of grampa's cough medicine (alcohol).. till this time, i got nothin better to do.. but for a very special reason.. im happy.. i feel otherly different from how i use to feel.. i guess "who ever" knows the reason, and knows who I am...
im now listening to coldplay, i like the very relaxing sound of their music.. SPARKS.. thats my favorite song of coldplay.. "Did i drive you away?.. i know what you'll say.. You say, Oh, sing one you know, But I promise you this, I’ll always look out for you, That’s what I’ll do. I say oh... I say oh... My heart is yours, It’s you that I hold on to, That’s what I do, And I know I was wrong, But I won’t let you down, I say oh... I cry oh... Yeah I saw sparks, Yeah I saw sparks, And I saw sparks, Yeah I saw sparks, Sing it out... La, la, la, la, oh…La, la, la, la, oh…La, la, la, la, oh..." a very nice song.. goodnight..

the blogs here or whatever it is that nimrods call it, are all from the moronic head of a very sick and demented buffoon...