How will I describe this emotional state that I’m in at this point of my life…?
I feel as if I’m in this void of complete emptiness and it is slowly killing my sense of being...
Alone, in this deep and dark crevice inside my mind, I struggled so much to fathom what’s within, but as I exerted more to decipher what’s hidden in this fissure, I lost my self…I was damned… now I am in need of a hand that will guide me, help me out and show me the passage that will lead me out of this endless feeling of misery and solitude, so that I can live again… in color… in light…
How stupid it is to feel this way... I feel so helpless… so helpless and in shame… in shame that I want to let it all go… let it all go and leave everything else behind…
For sometime now I was thinking of taking my own life but it seems there’s something or someone within me that’s telling me that there’s still hope and there’s still life outside this realm of complete hollowness and despair… I had a couple of mishaps before that almost took my life, and I also tried to take my own life a few more, but I don’t know the reason why I still live… is this a nasty prank or some kind of a sick joke from an old disturbing and demented God?.. Oh how I wish he’d spare me all this agony and silence me completely… I don’t know if I’ll last for long… I often tell my cohorts that “I’m hanging by a thread and I’m about to let go… at any moment…” you see I’m in my dire straits… and I shout out to myself… “Get a grip on your life artificer… it is not the end…” then I’ll wake up from this temporary state of tranquility and again face the horror of the real world…
I know God despises me because of this… my life of sin… I wanted to please everyone, I wanted to make them happy and in the process of doing so, I brought my soul closer to the flames of eternal suffering… to hell… I guess it is true that the soul controls the mind… my experiences taught me that while you live your life in sin and evil ways, you lose something in return… I guess sin and evil ways shrinks your world into a tight casket and suffocates you as it grows smaller and smaller… freedom my friend, is what you lose… that’s what was given to us and that’s what we should have… I tried many ways to gain temporary freedom, but at the end of the day, before I shut my eyes, I think of how ephemeral that freedom was… I want freedom that is in eradicable, no limits, no boundaries, just freedom… it’s in a way moronic to even think about this things and to question so much about life, death, freedom ,and faith but it has been bothering me for quite some time now and I cant help not to think of those … things… things that can alter the way one thinks... that alters the whole being… it is stated that knowledge is the greatest enemy of faith… now I guess I’ve proven that to myself… how’s my faith this days, you ask?... I still visit his house once in a while, I still talk to him, but I don’t pray like how the common people do… like what was taught to them… I talk to him as if he’s my equal… I tell him things that I like and I dislike, I tell him things straight from my heart… and by doing so I am confident of saying that I still have faith in him because I know he has a plan for me even though he’s giving me a very hard route to cross, a very high wall to traverse, a very painful and difficult challenge… in a way these challenges makes me stronger… although it is hard to do and harder to comprehend… I guess I have to… or else choose to relieve myself of it… and again attempt to take my own life… a sweet tragedy for a forsaken son who lived in sheer melancholy, and endured so much agony… freedom from this eternal bondage called life… that’s all I ask for…